Confession

I'll just blurt it out. This blog will have nothing to do with writing whatsoever. It's about emotions and whatnot and stuff that probably won't matter to another person. That's ok. This is my diary. Since I'm too slow a writer to actually write by hand and too paranoid to keep it on my computer yet I still want a record. None of you, if there are even any of you, should be surprised. I'm not. I haven't written anything in a long. I wrote half an Ultimatum chapter, but that's it. Eventually I'll finish it. Someday, but not right now.

What brought this on? I read the book Please Stop Laughing at Me. I was sitting in the bathroom, reading (yes, I sit and read. I'm tired of denying it. It's spare time that eventually gets played out into longer time with a really good book. Try it, nobody bothers you when you're on the pot. :) ), and I was pushing myself to read the book since the dumb thing was due back at the library (dumb as I now owe a dollar on this book and about ten others... I'm now on hold until I can return them all. It sucks, but I prefer to think of it as supporting my local library. :) ) and I sat and read it all. It was good. Was it exceptional? I don't know. To me exceptional means I want to buy it. Do I want to buy this? Probably not, but it was good. I just don't know that I'd read it again. But, it inspired me a lot. So, here's the blog that this is inspired from.

Anyways, this book is about bullying. It's about one woman's attempt to make it through school, roughly middle through high, with friends and with not being picked on. That's a really hard accomplishment. It's described as being a book to victims of bullying like what A Child Called It was to victims of child abuse. The author in fact even helped publish A Child Called It. Because Jodee sticks up for other people, she is a social outcast. She doesn't want to tease or hurt other people, and when she does to try and fit in she can't stand it. She goes through a lot, but in the end (a spoiler, if you can really call it that) she gets friends. She makes it. She succeeds mostly by leaving high school and getting a small group of dedicated friends that are just as different as she is. That success was making me cry in the bathroom. I hated what was done to her and what she had to overcome, but I love that she succeeded. I absolutely loved that.

One of the things that I strive for most in life right now is success. I feel like I'm going no where. I don't know what I want to do, how I want to do it. I feel like I'm stuck in the college-limbo while everyone else is choosing a major and moving on. I shudder at the thought that I'll just be stuck doing one thing for the rest of my life. I like change and diversity in my life, otherwise I begin to hate it. Right now, it looks like I'm going to have that lack of change. I fear that limbo, and lack of foresight and decision. I want to know where I'm going and be sure. It would be a wonderful thing to finally just know, have a goal that I wake up everyday to strive for. I fear that lack of success. I fear not being able to retire in the future because it seems like you need to be stockpiling money and getting benefits from companies now while you have time, otherwise you'll be in trouble as a retiree. For the record, I fear the future and death and old age and all these things.) And yet I also fear a dead-end job that leaves me hating life. I guess, at this point in the post, that the best I can say here is that acknowledging it will help me deal. I do this a lot - acknowledge my problems. It never seems like I get very far. I have a job that gives me less than 20 hours a week to almost 40, and I pick up as many shifts as I can, stockpiling some money for school (I like to shop), but it feels like I am doing nothing. I want to maybe work with sharks and the ocean and save animals. Already that feels like a futile project, yet I still feel inspired some, most, of the time. I have an opportunity this summer to try and make things better for them, yet I can't quite bring myself to do it. I'd have to face another fear, and that's too hard for me. Which makes me hate myself.

I have so few friends, and no intimate guy in the picture. I feel very alone, sometimes. I can't seem to bridge that gap and get closer to people. The friends I have don't seem very close. Maybe I'm too unforgiving, and too hard on the people I know. I guess I am. I don't think I want to get into that right now. It sucks, and I don't want to selfexamine it right now. I think it is kind of compounded this summer: I have no close people besides family and one friend that sometimes I just intesnely dislike for various reasons, I can't overcome that fear to work with animals, I'm a junior in college this fall and I still have no real direction on life. I want to make a difference in life, but I feel like such a nobody. It brings me back to a lecture in Philosophy 103. No one really makes a difference in life. That's a downer to hear if there ever was one.

I daydream all the time. I put myself in imaginable, often terrible situations to make myself seem important, like I'm making a difference, or I have something important happeneing to me, even though I know in real life it would suck so bad. I feel like I need to escape from me now, the me who is going no where. I also want to be rescued. Is it so stupid to want to believe in that white knight that sweeps me off my feet and saves me? I should want to save myself, and that's there. But saving myself does not really feature hot guys in the day dream. :) I feel like a loser that I sit and do this, even though I know others do it too. I think I want to prove my character in most of these dreams, since I can't seem to do it in real life. Part of why I dislike myself so much.

This book hit it off with me (to bring it back to the book finally) because it was similar to my school experience. My life was certainly not that bad (and I live a great life now), but some of those experiences were there. Being picked on for being overweight or chunky, being picked on in the bathroom (and I had nowhere near her problems), being picked on by that stupid person in middle school that was always next to me in the locker lineup due to last names that obviously made enough of an impact that I still recall her today. I hate feeling unwelcome and unwanted, especially after I had friends in elementary: I was popular in elementary. :( Although I'm sure I'd hate myself as a little kid now. I was stupid, in my acts and such. I wasn't as strong of character as the author of this book was, and I really wish I had been. Anyways, this book resonated with me. And this experiences made me me today: I hate public speaking, I have few to no friends, and I have issues. Yet I can't overcome it like the author has. I want to, I'm inspired to now. But I think I might be too engrained to come out of this character. Bummer.

All I can think of as I write this is that I'll get somebody telling me that I'm just having a pity party. Am I? I think in part I am. But, I'm also revealing the sadness of my life. And that's not a pity party.

I don't know. I've become a bit depressed and I've lost direction with this blog. I've forgotten the initial thoughts, like I always do. But I feel this has helped.

All I can think of while attending college is that it will be different from high school. In part it is, because I can recede as much as I want and have no daily interaction that damages the mind. But I'm also not getting any healthy interaction. I feel like I'm getting nothing at college, which is a little better than pain, but still lonely. But I still want to fit in, still have friends and know people and be known. Maybe I will. I envy my little sister so much because she has friends and popularity in her own group, and all the things I wanted but never really had. I'm better friends with some of her friends (okay, at this point now that everyone has drifted, one) than most people I know. Yet, I think things are a little different for her, even at only a few years difference between us: 21 vs. 16. Cliques aren't as strong and there's not as much pressure for her being different because her different is in. But what do I know? I didn't attend her school years. She probably had problems too. But it seems like people are a bit more understanding of victims today than they were with my time. Yet, with understanding in some areas comes an increased misunderstanding in others. Give and take. She has friends though. That's a biggy.

That's a huge problem with me: envying my sister. We have a good relaitonship together, but I still envy her. I hate that. Now it's in the open. Oh well. The irony of it is she looks up to me in some ways. That makes me feel nice.

I think I'm done now. I'm ready to veg on something else, like romance books or other blogs or a movie. I just needed to let out that inspiration to share that I got from reading that book. I feel better about it. I feel like I can take some of my problems on. I know this was a disjointed blog, but I'm not even going to spell check it. I'm done. It's set aside for good.

Have a good night, everyone.

Finals Suck

Amen. Projects can be lumped in with that heading too.

My glasses broke. Ugh...

Hehehehe

I finally thought of a scene I would like to do. Of course, it doesn't really fit into the current chapter very well. I shall work it in there! Never fear, things shall happen. I promise. I was just so excited that I had thought of something that I had to post a measely little post.

Also, my garbage disposal is dead and my sink is clogged. If it is not one thing, it is another. I'm hoping, since I'm trying to make this a happy event like the meditation book says to, that this is fate's way of having a cute plumber come to my door. I wish.

BK
:)

Randomness

This post isn't going to be about writing. At least, not really. So, for most of you who don't care, (a pause to smile :) ), feel free and skip this.

I got my laptop back. After not having it for so long, things feel so different. I still don't have all the settings back to normal. I have a lot of older programs, since updates didn't get installed with them. I have no idea why. Probably because I have an older operating system? I've had this sucker for a couple of years now. I need to get a new battery, but damn if we haven't seemed to have fixed all the problems. Bliss. No, Bliss! With an exclamation point. The keyboard feels weird, but I think that's just a factor of having had to use desktop computers with their bulky, blocky keyboards that clack like no other. It feels so silent and smooth! And, once more, finally, I can press lightly to get a key to tap. When I was on a desktop, I kept having to backup and put in letters that I had missed since I'm so used to barely hitting a key to get it to work. Nice. And the keyboard is smaller. My hands don't have to stretch as far. Also nice. I love you, my dear little once-screwed up laptop. :) Another smile of bliss.

I'm in a steller mood for two reasons. Today feels like one of those days where I'm caught up, and all my problems are going to be fixed. I love these days. Makes the world seem right. I think I'm also in a steller mood since I've been reading the Idiots Guide to Short Meditation. I did a couple of the exercices while reading the book, and I just felt relaxed afterwards. I know, I know, it's probably going in expecting to feel better that made me feel better versus the exercises (or at least that's the disputed point I imagine everyone stating as they read this, since we know everyone talks to their computers like I do). But, who cares? I feel better. True, I didn't necessarily start reading it in a bad mood, either. But, I'm in a better mood. Woot!

Another wonderful point of the book was that I decided to start writing down my random ideas for stories that I get into my head. That one wasn't explicitly written down in the book, but I thought of something while I was reading, completely irelevant to the topic, and I got up and grabbed my notebook and just wrote them as they came. They were all rather humorous points that I get in my head all the time that I always think would be great short stories or something and always inevitbaly end up forgetting. My memory kind of sucks, and I think it is because I put little stock in actually remembering anything. Anyways, I have like four now, and they all made me laugh. One day, since I know I don't have time now, I'll have to write them. The irony is that I really, really want to just write right now. But, I have some stuff I need to catch up on tonight, so no. I'll have to refrain just a little. The blog I've been meaning to catch up, and I find it therapeutic, so write it I shall. I need to work on time management, yes I do. So, tonight, I've got priorities, and writting isn't one of them. Which I know is not the ideal for all of us who want to be a professional writer, but what the hell. I've got my priorities and feel no guilt, which is a lovely feeling. In the end, I do only answer to myself. The point being, anyways, is that I'm making the attempt to write the random ideas that flit into my head down. Someday, they shall become something. :) Another happy smile. These little smiles are for me as much as the readers.

I'm pretty sure I came into this with more points to write down, but they are gone now. I would have liked to do a post on mercury poisoning from sharks on another blog, but that would take much more time than I have to give write now, so no on that one as well.

Ultimatum shall come. No creative writing at all yet, today, though. I don't know what to do about Ultimatum. I am bound and determined to finish the sucker though. I will. I want to. That is my motivation. To finally have finished something of that size and magnitude. Ignoring, of course, that a load would get chopped in a rewrite. I also imagine to make myself feel better while thinking of that load that another seperate much better load gets added during the rewrite. Layering is so much more fun and easy during a rewrite. It's kind of hard when you have no idea where to go, though. :) I would like all of you who read Ultimatum to keep in mind that this is the first draft. That should speak for itself. :) First draft. Blech. Yet, smile. :)

Points of writing today: write all your little random thoughts down, because one day you shall use them. Also, revising will make everything better. Just get it written the first time. :) This little bit actually makes me feel like the blog title is worth it. I think I would love to change this blog title. :) Yes I would.

Aha

I jsut remembered that entirely insignificant post I wanted to originally write!

I got another review on First Crush! The reviews are kind of low on this one. Does that mean it wasn't as good? My style has changed? It sucked? What does it all mean? I hate worrying about stuff like that. But seriously, if fewer people are looking at it, that counts as a bad sign. Ugh again.

See, now aren't you all glad I remember just what I wanted to post in the first place?

Cheers.

BK

Randomness

I certainly haven't gotten around to writing, or even reading Ultimatum. Bit hard having no computer. Hadn't realized how dependent I'd become. Really sad. Really, really sad. I'm become that much further entrenched in the technical world. But, change is change and can't be avoided. My computer is sort of up and running, but I still don't have it and won't have it until hopefully Monday. I'm crossing my fingers. Don't expect much this weekend. You know, I had a point getting on here but now I cna't remember what it was. Damn. I had something remotely pertinent that I wanted to say! What a pain in the butt. I hate when this happens, and sitting here and writing allt his hasn't helped at all. I still can't remember. Well, I guess if I get there, then I'll come back on and post.

Useless point, I kind of wnat to change the name. I'm all about change right now. But, it would kind of be a pain to change the link. But again, since no one really reads this, I'll probably go ahead with it.

Does anyone else out there ever feel like procrasitnating writing? How do you get out of it? How do you get out legitmate procrastination? Like with work, homework, cleaning - good stuff, as the excuse? I find if I can legitimately fill my time that I don't feel guilty not having written. I know that allt he auhtors always talk about having to have the fortitude to put aside time against all odds, but damn. That is my biggest problem in life right now. What does that say about my life that that is the biggest problem? God, sheltered... Sometimes I just hate myself. Ugh. I'll end it on that note. Enjoy.

BK

Computers

So, I needed a new harddrive and we have top reinstall my operating system. My computer has gone loco. My Dell tech guy thinks he can get my files though. That would be nice. Like, really nice. I need my notes. Bah.

I might be writing something this weekend, but really, Easter and my Grandma's birthday and work and trying to catch up on computer homework for this week and the next. I would think no. Just no. Damn.

Good followed by bad

Yeah! I posted a oneshot and got reviews! Yeah, I also got a review on Ultimatum!

Oh no, my computer put up a fucking blue screen and decided to make it impossible to start up, requiring me to reinstall my operating system, possibly losing all the stuff that hasn't been recently backed up. Since like early March. That was maybe when I last backed up. God damn computer. All it has been doing is giving me trouble!

Why do I bother to tell you all this? Because it means I have no access to a computer unless I haul my ass down to the library. Writing may become sparse. Damn.

BK

A One Shot

I updated a one shot. Nope on Ultimatum. Trying to get caught up in school. Darn. :D

BK

Willpower

It's all about having the willpower. I don't, clearly. I had a hard time getting online, because my internet is not working for whatever dumb reason there is out there. Then, my keyboard/track pad is malfunctioning! It's getting worse! It keeps clicking on random links, moving stuff around, highlighting lines of text while I am in the middle of writing so then I delete what I had written! AHH! It's made for hard typing, let me tell you. So, I get online and get distracted - as if that one couldn't be seen a mile off. I do some research, then head to my folder of writing with every intention of writing the next chapter. Really, I was ready to click on Ultimatum! And then I saw this other little file with a different name, and I just had to click on it. So I did, and I found a one-shot that I'd begun writing a bit ago. I liked it enough that I was laughing. I love when you can come back to your old work and like it. Of course, I, like usual, hated what I wrote next. Yes, I worked on this isntead of Ultimatum. It was a nice break, I think. Kind of rejuvinating. I need to finish it yet, there's another scene at least that needs to be played out. Then I can post it. But that's after I let it sit for a while and then come back to it. I definately need to make use of that ploy, otherwise I hate all that I've done. Quite the nice pattern.

Anyways, I did end up writing, just not on Ultimatum. And I didn't even reread it either. *sigh* I'll get there someday. Someday...

Toodles for now!

~BK

Do I dare...

Do I dare to reread my entire fic?? I don't know... everytime I do, I end up losing the momentum to write. But, I get ideas when rereading it! Also, I think I'm a bit intimidated about if the fic has gone into a bad direction. Rereading it could confirm it all! Leaves me scared! Which means that of course it must happen. Then at least I can pick up some threads. Huh. Lucky for all of you, I'm going to go reread the fic. Who knows how long until an update now! But, it should flow more. Which is good... The pro and cons are almost equal, meaning I'm a bit lost on which side is better. Either way, I'm off to go reread!!

Wish me luck!

~BK

Squee!

Squee! Reviews on this chapter are like a floodgate!! I wasn't really expecting too many after last chapter, so this was frigging awesome!! ... Excepting that one lame ass review, which I left up there. Really? Criticism, fine. I'm working on dealing with it, and I certainly know I have issues in writing and following through. This thing has been going on, as in I've been writing it, forever! Or at least what seems like forever. Over a year? I think so, let me go look somewhere. Okay, didn't see anything on mediaminer or fanfiction, so I went and looked at the date of chapter one: Oct. 2007. Over a year, going on two. So sue me if I have trouble remember all that I wrote. And I think my dialogue flows fine. True, I didn't reread this chapter. I don't know why. My only excuse is that it was past one in the morning and the bed was getting all that much more inviting. So I've been writing this for over a year and have done no major editing. If I edited it - I would delete a shitload, add a shitload, and fix a shitload. Nuff said. But if you're going to leave a stupid review like that, at least have the balls to leave your name. That's pathetic, that you have to hide behind anonymity to leave a review like that.

Back to the awesome reivews!! Yeah!! I'm stoked! Thank you, everyone!! Makes me want to write the next chapter, but sadly I have a French essay due at midnight, so that comes first. It shouldn't take me too long to write it, so on to this hopefully rather quickly.

Nobody commented on Kuwabara. I would have thought that would get a review or two. The man wasn't always completely for what they were doing, and now he seems to be completely dissuaded with his best friend, his connection to Spirit World. What shall occur with that? And Yusuke? Yusuke is in a very hard place right now. He had to choose someone, and he did it. Of course I made it against popular choice :D, but some sympathy for his choice?? I'll have to work on that next time. And this time, just a little bit, Kagome did walk into Naraku's grasp. Just a little, even though she was still kind of thrown. And Hiei! Goodness, the man is supposed to be acting OCC here. I thought I got that across, but I'll definately have to work on it.

That's it for now. I'm experiencing this huge urge to go play Lego Starwars right now, but I shall resist!! I have work to do.

So, tty'all-l!
~BK

Damn Reviews

I don't feel like finishing Ultimatum. How crappy is that? I want to want to finish. :( I think it's because of the reviews. They aren't making me happy. I read enough author blogs to know you have to develop a thick skin to be published, so I know that it needs to happy. But damn, it makes me sad. What can be said of them, of published authors receiving shit reviews, is that they at least already have a finished product. It was good enough in the first place to be published. Not so with fanfiction, it's just not the same thing.

Thank you to all who left me happy reviews, particularly on this last chappy. For you I write this next chapter while I am personally ready to move on the next project. Next time, I just need to write the whole thing much faster.

~BK

PS I'm off to write right now, so crossed fingers!!

News

So, nothing new. As of last count, three total reviews. I'm happy for them, thank you to the three! But, it still leaves me filling a bit sad that the number is down so much. I'll do my best to just ignore it and not analyze it. Also, started a new blog, and so far have posted nothing. I'm such a bum. Also written nothing new. I'm not sure where to go with this next chapter. Dang. I'm not liking Ultimatum as much right now. How sad... :(

~BK

Hmm

So, I posted but I've gotten no reviews yet... Hm... Is this a sign that the chapter sucked? Cause I didn't think it did... Maybe moved a bit fast, but suck, no... I'm a wee bit sad now. Over 60 regards on each site, but no comments. Damn. I would like to shrivel up as an author. Not an empowering moment!

~BK

An Update

I'm tired, but I posted. There! There's hardly any satisfaction in it because it's so late!!! But, it's a longer chapter. I edited the last bit quite a bit, but I like it all, even where it's heading. :D I originally wanted to add quite a bit more to the chapter, but damn I just wanted to post. You guys are used to smaller chapters. It's nothing new. Now, hopefully, some reviews will follow. Tomorrow promises to be a busy day, otherwise I'd probably write. You know, my spring break isn't as free as I would have liked it. :( I guess almost 12 hours of sleep isn't really conducive to getting shit done in the day. Dang. :)

Night all!
BK

There

So I wrote some, but the chapter wasn't finished, but I was debating posting anyways with what I had, then I couldn't get the internet, so I didn't. I was going to write now before I found out I have a test in two days of which I'm very not prepared for at all. So, there, that's the situation. The chapter is now over 3K and counting. The scene is not done and needs work. I'm at a standstill since there are so many different possiblities here. I'll work on it when I can.

BK

School is a Bitch, as Well as her friend Life

Yes, we all have things come up. Yes this will be a bitch post. I have written jackshit. Shit happens. Mine just came up in a big way last week, onto this week. Last week sucked. Like mega sucked. I had my best friend come and chill with me for hours shopping and going to a movie. That helped, but aid came at the end of the week. I failed a pop quiz. Failed homework that I stupidly screwed up on. Completely missed turning in homework for French - I screwed up the date. I failed a quiz in Music. Can I go on? Why, yes I can. I fail at life. This coming from a straight A student who has maintained her grades through high school and onto college. It has been years, YEARS, since I've gotten a B. And these weren't C failings, no, they were below 50% failings. Needless to say, I was depressed, mega depressed. The weekend helped. I've written down a million dates on a calander so I know what to look for. Dates have been playing hell with me lately. I'm attempting to study, and trying really hard to look at the bright side. This brand new week picked up. Yes it did, I was so excited. I got points back on bio homework, since there was a technical computer mistake on the assignment, French was only worth a measly ten points, pop quiz was failed by everyone in the class so the teacher is VERY kindly discounting it as prep, I made up the music quiz with the only extra credit of the course, and I took the next music quiz and got a B. A B is not my ideal grade, but a hell of a lot better than below 50%. So, I was doing really well, on a bit of a high after hearing about that French quiz, then I read the paper and discover that my department of choice is possibly/most likely being cut. F***. And, to top my day off, I went and donated plasma today (yes, got paid for it, but even the workers call it a donation), and I had a whatchamacallit happen to my arm, where the blood 'leaks' out of the vein and pools in my arm, and they have to switch arms. Dang. I hate getting the needle stuck in, and it means that I'm going to have to reuse an arm in two days when I go back for 35 more dollars! Bummer. I'm hoping I can. I've been icing the one bad one. I apparently have shitty veins, as in they 'wiggle' a lot and are hard to stick. I knew my good run of several times with little to no problems was not going to last. Dang. So, that has been my update. I've also worked a few shifts. Ugh. I came home feeling like I'd been around a cat all day, which is bad as I'm allergic. I just went to bed, no homework for me. But, to make up for it, I got up an hour earlier (I only went to bed one hour earlier) and did more homework. Anyways, I just needed to get that off my chest to nameless people who will never know my educational shame. Ugh.

In other news, the idea flitted into my head today, how interesting would my life get if I decided to live it like it was the last year of my life? Kind of like I've got cancer and will die? Not to play on people who do, but imagine how things would change after a year and you're still there? God, it would be so freeing. I almost want to do it. I would confess a few things, work on a few things, live my life like it actually mattered what I do with my time, and who knows what else. But, of course, this wouldn't really work. Me with no constraints on my last year is perilously close to me not working. Obviously not viable. Not being in school. While I love school, so far it has been all that I've done with my life, and I wouldn't want that to be my last year. Also, financially a dud. All those things you hear about doing before dying, like sky diving and flying to that place in the middle of no where, they cost money. I can't afford it now. I would love to, though. I think it would be a blast to just let go, with a nice hefty egg in the bank account to assure myself, and just travel cross country floating from interesting job to interesting job, meeting new people, playing the tourist, and just experiencing things. I would want to go to LA, or do something in Hollywood. Not necessarily acting, I have a really good hunch I suck at acting with huge stagefright and whatnot, but acting as a laymen during filming would be interesting. Interacting in that type of setting would be fun, and meeting the type of people that want to be there. Obviously, I can't do it. I'm on a scholarship - I can't take a year off and do whatever and still keep it. I was thinking maybe after college. Do I really want to spend the first 20 or so years of my life that aren't in diapers only in school, then go straight to a career job, one that you stay in for years and years? Not really. I'm seriously considering just wandering. God, that would be fun, hard, and fun. But, if I do do that, I'm disconnected for a year from my possible career, and that's kind of like going away on an extended maternity leave - you don't really recover. Also, I'm sure there are those of you out there going, live parts of it now. There's no need to stop school and everything else to give confessions, be braver, etc. etc. etc. I'm a coward socially, that would be a very hard thing to do. I think I would almost need that less than a year thing to get it off the ground and going. Course, I could always sit and jack away my time like I do now. Huh. I guess that's a nice internel dilemma for another time. I know, though, that if I did do it, I would write a book and a blog about it.

My current daydream alternates between two things: that roadtrip in the most ideal situation with me maintaining connections to career world; or a naughty one about being saved by galavanting heroes who shall remain nameless. :D Clearly I have nothing better to do with my time while trying to get to sleep.

I'll write when I can. It helped to bitch about it, even to nameless people online. It's had a soothing sense. Maybe a journal where I can get really open would be useful. Who knows. If this weekend goes well, I'll write. If it doesn't which is probable since I work Sunday, don't expect a darn thing. I have a chapter well started, just not finished. Huh.

Over and out.
BK

Well wow

So, haven't gotten a whole heck of a lot of stuff done. School has come up and bitten me in the ass. Like, really badly bit and chewed and spit me out. Sad, I know. I'm doing really, really badly in three classes. Bad, bad writer. I don't know what happened. But, it means I haven't written anything since last time. I figured I should put up a small blog letting everyone know. I'll try and write some tomorrow, but really, I have a couple of assignments due by midnight, and I need sleep. *le sigh*

And, I've been crushing on every hot male actor in sight. Yum... but darn...

Four Pages and Counting

I wrote some today before I got distracted on youtube. I was at a good place to stop and think some more. It's not a hard scene, but I want tension. The chappy starts out a bit chipper, but hopefully gets tense. :) I made everybody pissy. And it hopefully made things darker. Since I also got requests for longer chapters, I'm working on that. It'll be a bit before an update. But, I did work on it. I should be working on the other story, but eh. I need to back to get ready to leave. So, we'll see. I'm tired and grumpy. That should lend the proper scene to the chapter. Huh.

Saw the new Underworld movie. I liked it. In fact, it made me want to rewatch the other two, which I didn't like. I was dragged to the prequel, since I figured it would suck just as bad as the others. Of course we all knew what was going to happen - they revealed all in movie two. But it was done really, really well. I liked it a lot. Good movie. And I now have a crush on the lead werewolf. :) I think I'll buy it. And now I'm going to go watch movies and pack and whatnot.

Toodles.

I love hot, fierce, supernaturaly men. :) *sigh*

BK

Squeeness

Squeeness, I remembered my French. I was worried there for a bit that it had all floated away with break. :) Cheers. I'm not gonna fail the class I signed up for in a moment of weakness. :P

Woefully depressed...

So I was woefully depressed yesterday. I moved out again - back into the dorm. That had me a mite sad. Then, everything went wrong and I almost broke the microwave. I think I either gave it a heartattack or killed it and brought it back. THEN, I was stupid enough to watch Fight Club. The movie is good, great ending, but damn if it didn't seriously depress me! I was damn near feeling suicidal. Depression is scary, thank god I don't really have. Those nasty death thoughts are gone. Whew. I started classes today, have some homework. So, write when I can. :)

~BK

Night!

K, so I wrote an eensy bit. 800 some words. Clearly I haven't gotten far. But I'm off to bed. When I get around to writing more, I'm going to try and make it darker. Yes, darker. Tis all.

~BK

Happy Post!!!!

My Counter is back up!! Woot!

I left the title blank in an attempt to see if I need to make one up each time. We shall see if it works.

Author's note: I’m going to try and make chapter 22 a longer chapter. I know the last couple have been short, so I’m making the attempt. That probably means it won’t be posted for a while. It’s a toss of what people like best. I expect everryone to review and tell me what y'all think.

So that means I've started the new chapter. But, since I'm starting at 15 minutes to 1, it probably won't be a lot. I'm also finally starting school next week, so we'll see how that goes.

Probably won't watch the inaugeration. I might. We'll see. The event kind of felt like it happened already when he won the election. The hype is gone. I'll have to watch just to make sure all goes well. I live in fear (at least in the back of my mind) that something bad is gonna go down. Those in charge of security, please send lots of backup. :) Living shields - not a happy concept, but I'm for them.

And... I think that is all. I started writing my idea. It's still small, but fleshing out each time I go to it. I've discovered I hate realworld research. Not a good thing when you know nothing about the career of your new character. Bummer, that.

Have a great night!

Can't wait for Skin Trade!!

~BK

Progress

I made some progress writing today, it just wasn't on Ultimatum. I wrote on a story that I've kind of had floating around in my head for a while. I had started it the other day - it had been under a page then. I fleshed it out today. Nothing major, changed a bit of what I've written, and am now satisfied with what I have. It's got quite a different tone than Ultimatum, and I think I like that better than U. Course, U needs lots of work, or it would have a set tone as well. Oh well. I'll finish U, I'm sure, but I don't think I'll ever rewrite it. It's stuck as is, mistakes and all. I'll just have to do better on the next fanfiction. I'll probably take one of the ones I've already written and go off of that. I don't even have any new ideas right now. Of course, I have to finish U first, which could take awhile.

Anyways, just wanted to say that I did write something today, if not on the desired material of all. But, I figure I gotta work on that writing career eventually.

~BK

So...

Soooo.... I didn't really get the reaction I wanted about switching the minds. I'll be honest, I wasn't thinking dirty or comedic thoughts at all... And I don't want them to be dirty or comedic... Of course, I'll have to write a brief dismissal of the typical gender switching issues, which I was going to do anyways. Hiei is going undercover... Geez, I can't even think of anything else to say here. So, I'll end the post. I'll definately have to work up this chapter. Yup.

~BK

Squee!

Squeee! Everyone loves it!!! I am sooo excited!

I guess if I just make the chapters interesting, that people will review more. Good thing to note. :) I can't wait for the reactions later on.

The one issue is the shortness. I know, I know. I hate short chapters myself. :) But, I wrote it, and I just had to post it! I hate waiting to post things.

Anyways, I'm going to try and write more tonight, so hopefully it shall be longer. I'll make a valiant effort. I might even wait to post it. I just love getting immediate feedback, though... :)

~BK

A Chappy!

I posted one! It is the start of my evil idea. :) I like it quite a bit. I pruposefully haven't discussed what happened to Hiei at the end, and you'll get the gist on Kagome later. The chappy is short, but I wanted to post it since I was so excited! Enjoy and review!!!!

~BK

Devilish Idea

I just got a seriously devilish idea for Ultimatum. >:D I think I'm going to do it. Mwhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Edit: Wait, maybe not. I just ran through like five different scenarios in my head, and I don't think it fits in. :( Dang.

Edit 2: WAIT! I have another idea! Christ, this thing is going to end up being never-ending since I keep making up new endings... >.>

Oh No!

My free counter is broken!! And I have no clue where to get another one. Damn!

Also, I have written nothing. Hopefully tomorrow, something shall be done. Even just my room. That'd be nice...

Rough Drafts

The thing I am regretting most right now is not being able to go back and change anything and everything in Ultimatum right now. First, it is posted. That means to me it is done until further notice, of which I might redo the entire thing and edit it. Will I ever do that, most likely not. So all the mistakes are going to have live long and strong. Second, you don't edit until you are done. Since I am not done, I can't edit anyways. Moot point. I am just seeing stuff that could have been done better, in many ways. I think I would have toned down Hiei and Kagome's dreams - the tension of possibilty instead of actuality would have been better, I think. Kagome's memories would be adjusted, especially since I've come to realize more and so on. Naraku and Kurama would have to be adjusted. Also, I think I would have to make the team figure things out in a bit of a faster way or something, since everyone is shocked that they are this stupid. I'm afraid I dumbed them down for the story. :( It wasn't intentional, that's for sure.

Also, everyone keeps bringing up instances of stuff that I say have never been attempted!!! The soul insertion! Argh! For the life of me, I don't even remember half of what everyone is talking about. I've never seen the full show of either cartoon. :( I still don't own them all. I'm sort of working on it, just slowly. I guess that would be a problem for all of fanfiction - you have to account for EVERYTHING in the world. That's darn difficult. I want to just go, you know, it's my world. But it's not my world, so I can't really say that. I want to say that it's my story, but these instances help - they help me tighten the story and what not. I dunno what to do. Do you guys think/read around it without difficulty, or does it bug the hell out of you??

That's it for now. I'm totally planning this long blog of all that I would change if I ever finish it. I'm sure I will. I don't, however, think I will ever edit it. That's a lot of work, and honestly, I would want to save it for a book-book. Not something that will never profit me. Also, who's going to go back and reread the whole thing if I post it all edited??

Over and out!\
~BK

New Chapter Woot!

I have a new chapter! Woot! Woot! Woot! I actually like it, too. I didn't know where I wanted to go with it, really, just that I needed to go. I figured, why not start with Keiko? She hadn't had any screen time in a bit, so Keiko it was. I ended up having two scenes, and the chapter is a bit short, but certainly not my shortest. I liked how I portrayed both Keiko and Kurama in this chapter. Thought I did a good job with everyone. Answered a few questions that lovely readers brought up. You guys are totally my beta readers. The answers may come a bit late that way, but more gets pointed out. :) I left a few things hanging last time, and corrected it this time around. I thought it actually seemed pretty logical. I shall have to wait and here from you guys. Unfortunately, still didn't completely answer last time's cliffy. :) I acutally got quite a few right guesses in the comments, which was cool but sad, since I wasn't going to be able to surprise many people. But, I had the idea from the beginning, I swear. :)

I can't think of anything else to point out on this chapter, so that's it for now. :) I'm off to bed, I have to get up a bit earlier tomorrow. :P

~BK

Second Post of the Day of Stuff I Forgot to Mention...

The Title says it all.

First, go check out Carrie Vaughn's website, her journal to be specific. She has a nice couple of blogs about what is and what is not urban fantasy. :) Very amusing stuff. Although, I have to say this, some of that stuff is pure fantasy, like fanfiction fantasy, and that is the way I like it. :)

Crap on toast, I forgot what I wanted to say next!!!!!!

Also, Julie Garwood's new book. It was ok. It was good, but not great. That's obviously a preference. I read it in a day or two, so good enough for speed. It just didn't catch me. I am more of a fan of her historical romance for sure. Shadow Music was great. It's not my favorite, but it was good. I love her historical figures. She embodies romance for me. I love it. However, I did love her contemporary book Mercy. Maybe I am just falling out of love with this author??? That would depress me so much, because I love her earlier works. It could be happening, but I'm pretty sure it's not. Anyways, it was a good book. I felt I needed to say that for whatever reason is out there. I'm in a total chatter mood today. No idea why...

On to writing...

~BK

PS - like the new template?? I like the more colors. Pink now looks good on here, too. :)

Happy Belated New Year!

I already broke the one resolution I made - no more candy, which didn't include homebaked goods. Gone. I plan to lose weight, but that wasn't really a resolution. I fiddled with the idea of losing soda pop, but please. I drink so few things that limiting my choices that much just would have killed me. I think that if I ever gave up candy and stuff like chips, I could do it. But not now. Now is too overwhelming.

After I'd read a few books this week, a little into last, I realized I would need to make a new list. Huh. Came as kind of a shock that a year has passed. I read 129 books last year. Nice. Thought I'de read more, but nice. That includes comics, whether you think they count or not - and by comics I mean graphic novels that take me an hour to read. Those do not include American comics that taken minutes. While good, I didn't add them. I might do so this year. I also didn't count fanfiction. That one seems obvious to me why, but I do waste hours on fanfiction. Just so you all know. :) I don't know how long that list will stay up there. If I knew a way to do so, I would shrink it all and have it open only when you ran over it. But I don't, so it shall have to be deleted at some points.

I want to heavy duty clean my room and start eradicating it of junk. I'm a junk-aholic. I collect everything, save everything. That stuff builds up! My walls are covered, and I have knicknacks everywhere. I want to get rid of some/most of it. Turns out, I have no more room for movies on my movies holder. That's a wee bit depressing, since that means they move over to my bookcases, which are already strained anyways. Part of this cleaning gig is to get the knickknacks off my books cases so I have room for books. And now dvds. I want to get rid of said items that I bought and didn't like. I also want money, petty cash, so selling some of this stuff at a garage sale might afford me enough for two smoothies at Jamba Juice. Yeah! :)

I did end the year on a good note, though. I donated a hundred bucks. I hadn't donated in a while, so I was past due. I don't donate that much often, but I was in one of those moods where I feel like I have so much and everyone else so little. Sooo...

Ok, I lied. I have another resolution. I'm trying not to just buy junk. So far, since before New Years, so good. No more cute stuffed animals, no more clearance crap, no more Mom is buying it so ok (although that one needs some work, and I did need some little tree ornaments for the fake tree I need to get...). Books and movies are not on this list. They don't count as useless stuff but valid entertainment. I'm trying not to get any more dust collectors, or clothes that I don't wear often or at all. Or shoes. Or bags. Or Disney stuff. believe it or not, I'm even curbing my useless book binge. There were two books I wanted to buy today, that were cutesy but nothing I would really pick up again. I didn't, which was good since I laid down thrity bucks later online at BN. *sigh*

I think that is it for useless rambling. I might have to buy a plant for the New Year. That doesn't count as junk, but oxygen. :)

For Ultimatum, I GOT SOME REVIEWS! I was so pleased when I saw the notices in my mailbox. :D It made me so happy that I wanted to post something. So, directly after I finish updating my blog, I plan to write. Not sure how far it shall get, but I'm going to write. Because, dammit, I want more reviews!! :)

PS I've been fleshing out my story idea at work - as in book-book. Daydreaming while scrubbing floors does wonders. :) It has made me giddy.

~BK