Confession

I'll just blurt it out. This blog will have nothing to do with writing whatsoever. It's about emotions and whatnot and stuff that probably won't matter to another person. That's ok. This is my diary. Since I'm too slow a writer to actually write by hand and too paranoid to keep it on my computer yet I still want a record. None of you, if there are even any of you, should be surprised. I'm not. I haven't written anything in a long. I wrote half an Ultimatum chapter, but that's it. Eventually I'll finish it. Someday, but not right now.

What brought this on? I read the book Please Stop Laughing at Me. I was sitting in the bathroom, reading (yes, I sit and read. I'm tired of denying it. It's spare time that eventually gets played out into longer time with a really good book. Try it, nobody bothers you when you're on the pot. :) ), and I was pushing myself to read the book since the dumb thing was due back at the library (dumb as I now owe a dollar on this book and about ten others... I'm now on hold until I can return them all. It sucks, but I prefer to think of it as supporting my local library. :) ) and I sat and read it all. It was good. Was it exceptional? I don't know. To me exceptional means I want to buy it. Do I want to buy this? Probably not, but it was good. I just don't know that I'd read it again. But, it inspired me a lot. So, here's the blog that this is inspired from.

Anyways, this book is about bullying. It's about one woman's attempt to make it through school, roughly middle through high, with friends and with not being picked on. That's a really hard accomplishment. It's described as being a book to victims of bullying like what A Child Called It was to victims of child abuse. The author in fact even helped publish A Child Called It. Because Jodee sticks up for other people, she is a social outcast. She doesn't want to tease or hurt other people, and when she does to try and fit in she can't stand it. She goes through a lot, but in the end (a spoiler, if you can really call it that) she gets friends. She makes it. She succeeds mostly by leaving high school and getting a small group of dedicated friends that are just as different as she is. That success was making me cry in the bathroom. I hated what was done to her and what she had to overcome, but I love that she succeeded. I absolutely loved that.

One of the things that I strive for most in life right now is success. I feel like I'm going no where. I don't know what I want to do, how I want to do it. I feel like I'm stuck in the college-limbo while everyone else is choosing a major and moving on. I shudder at the thought that I'll just be stuck doing one thing for the rest of my life. I like change and diversity in my life, otherwise I begin to hate it. Right now, it looks like I'm going to have that lack of change. I fear that limbo, and lack of foresight and decision. I want to know where I'm going and be sure. It would be a wonderful thing to finally just know, have a goal that I wake up everyday to strive for. I fear that lack of success. I fear not being able to retire in the future because it seems like you need to be stockpiling money and getting benefits from companies now while you have time, otherwise you'll be in trouble as a retiree. For the record, I fear the future and death and old age and all these things.) And yet I also fear a dead-end job that leaves me hating life. I guess, at this point in the post, that the best I can say here is that acknowledging it will help me deal. I do this a lot - acknowledge my problems. It never seems like I get very far. I have a job that gives me less than 20 hours a week to almost 40, and I pick up as many shifts as I can, stockpiling some money for school (I like to shop), but it feels like I am doing nothing. I want to maybe work with sharks and the ocean and save animals. Already that feels like a futile project, yet I still feel inspired some, most, of the time. I have an opportunity this summer to try and make things better for them, yet I can't quite bring myself to do it. I'd have to face another fear, and that's too hard for me. Which makes me hate myself.

I have so few friends, and no intimate guy in the picture. I feel very alone, sometimes. I can't seem to bridge that gap and get closer to people. The friends I have don't seem very close. Maybe I'm too unforgiving, and too hard on the people I know. I guess I am. I don't think I want to get into that right now. It sucks, and I don't want to selfexamine it right now. I think it is kind of compounded this summer: I have no close people besides family and one friend that sometimes I just intesnely dislike for various reasons, I can't overcome that fear to work with animals, I'm a junior in college this fall and I still have no real direction on life. I want to make a difference in life, but I feel like such a nobody. It brings me back to a lecture in Philosophy 103. No one really makes a difference in life. That's a downer to hear if there ever was one.

I daydream all the time. I put myself in imaginable, often terrible situations to make myself seem important, like I'm making a difference, or I have something important happeneing to me, even though I know in real life it would suck so bad. I feel like I need to escape from me now, the me who is going no where. I also want to be rescued. Is it so stupid to want to believe in that white knight that sweeps me off my feet and saves me? I should want to save myself, and that's there. But saving myself does not really feature hot guys in the day dream. :) I feel like a loser that I sit and do this, even though I know others do it too. I think I want to prove my character in most of these dreams, since I can't seem to do it in real life. Part of why I dislike myself so much.

This book hit it off with me (to bring it back to the book finally) because it was similar to my school experience. My life was certainly not that bad (and I live a great life now), but some of those experiences were there. Being picked on for being overweight or chunky, being picked on in the bathroom (and I had nowhere near her problems), being picked on by that stupid person in middle school that was always next to me in the locker lineup due to last names that obviously made enough of an impact that I still recall her today. I hate feeling unwelcome and unwanted, especially after I had friends in elementary: I was popular in elementary. :( Although I'm sure I'd hate myself as a little kid now. I was stupid, in my acts and such. I wasn't as strong of character as the author of this book was, and I really wish I had been. Anyways, this book resonated with me. And this experiences made me me today: I hate public speaking, I have few to no friends, and I have issues. Yet I can't overcome it like the author has. I want to, I'm inspired to now. But I think I might be too engrained to come out of this character. Bummer.

All I can think of as I write this is that I'll get somebody telling me that I'm just having a pity party. Am I? I think in part I am. But, I'm also revealing the sadness of my life. And that's not a pity party.

I don't know. I've become a bit depressed and I've lost direction with this blog. I've forgotten the initial thoughts, like I always do. But I feel this has helped.

All I can think of while attending college is that it will be different from high school. In part it is, because I can recede as much as I want and have no daily interaction that damages the mind. But I'm also not getting any healthy interaction. I feel like I'm getting nothing at college, which is a little better than pain, but still lonely. But I still want to fit in, still have friends and know people and be known. Maybe I will. I envy my little sister so much because she has friends and popularity in her own group, and all the things I wanted but never really had. I'm better friends with some of her friends (okay, at this point now that everyone has drifted, one) than most people I know. Yet, I think things are a little different for her, even at only a few years difference between us: 21 vs. 16. Cliques aren't as strong and there's not as much pressure for her being different because her different is in. But what do I know? I didn't attend her school years. She probably had problems too. But it seems like people are a bit more understanding of victims today than they were with my time. Yet, with understanding in some areas comes an increased misunderstanding in others. Give and take. She has friends though. That's a biggy.

That's a huge problem with me: envying my sister. We have a good relaitonship together, but I still envy her. I hate that. Now it's in the open. Oh well. The irony of it is she looks up to me in some ways. That makes me feel nice.

I think I'm done now. I'm ready to veg on something else, like romance books or other blogs or a movie. I just needed to let out that inspiration to share that I got from reading that book. I feel better about it. I feel like I can take some of my problems on. I know this was a disjointed blog, but I'm not even going to spell check it. I'm done. It's set aside for good.

Have a good night, everyone.