Confession

I'll just blurt it out. This blog will have nothing to do with writing whatsoever. It's about emotions and whatnot and stuff that probably won't matter to another person. That's ok. This is my diary. Since I'm too slow a writer to actually write by hand and too paranoid to keep it on my computer yet I still want a record. None of you, if there are even any of you, should be surprised. I'm not. I haven't written anything in a long. I wrote half an Ultimatum chapter, but that's it. Eventually I'll finish it. Someday, but not right now.

What brought this on? I read the book Please Stop Laughing at Me. I was sitting in the bathroom, reading (yes, I sit and read. I'm tired of denying it. It's spare time that eventually gets played out into longer time with a really good book. Try it, nobody bothers you when you're on the pot. :) ), and I was pushing myself to read the book since the dumb thing was due back at the library (dumb as I now owe a dollar on this book and about ten others... I'm now on hold until I can return them all. It sucks, but I prefer to think of it as supporting my local library. :) ) and I sat and read it all. It was good. Was it exceptional? I don't know. To me exceptional means I want to buy it. Do I want to buy this? Probably not, but it was good. I just don't know that I'd read it again. But, it inspired me a lot. So, here's the blog that this is inspired from.

Anyways, this book is about bullying. It's about one woman's attempt to make it through school, roughly middle through high, with friends and with not being picked on. That's a really hard accomplishment. It's described as being a book to victims of bullying like what A Child Called It was to victims of child abuse. The author in fact even helped publish A Child Called It. Because Jodee sticks up for other people, she is a social outcast. She doesn't want to tease or hurt other people, and when she does to try and fit in she can't stand it. She goes through a lot, but in the end (a spoiler, if you can really call it that) she gets friends. She makes it. She succeeds mostly by leaving high school and getting a small group of dedicated friends that are just as different as she is. That success was making me cry in the bathroom. I hated what was done to her and what she had to overcome, but I love that she succeeded. I absolutely loved that.

One of the things that I strive for most in life right now is success. I feel like I'm going no where. I don't know what I want to do, how I want to do it. I feel like I'm stuck in the college-limbo while everyone else is choosing a major and moving on. I shudder at the thought that I'll just be stuck doing one thing for the rest of my life. I like change and diversity in my life, otherwise I begin to hate it. Right now, it looks like I'm going to have that lack of change. I fear that limbo, and lack of foresight and decision. I want to know where I'm going and be sure. It would be a wonderful thing to finally just know, have a goal that I wake up everyday to strive for. I fear that lack of success. I fear not being able to retire in the future because it seems like you need to be stockpiling money and getting benefits from companies now while you have time, otherwise you'll be in trouble as a retiree. For the record, I fear the future and death and old age and all these things.) And yet I also fear a dead-end job that leaves me hating life. I guess, at this point in the post, that the best I can say here is that acknowledging it will help me deal. I do this a lot - acknowledge my problems. It never seems like I get very far. I have a job that gives me less than 20 hours a week to almost 40, and I pick up as many shifts as I can, stockpiling some money for school (I like to shop), but it feels like I am doing nothing. I want to maybe work with sharks and the ocean and save animals. Already that feels like a futile project, yet I still feel inspired some, most, of the time. I have an opportunity this summer to try and make things better for them, yet I can't quite bring myself to do it. I'd have to face another fear, and that's too hard for me. Which makes me hate myself.

I have so few friends, and no intimate guy in the picture. I feel very alone, sometimes. I can't seem to bridge that gap and get closer to people. The friends I have don't seem very close. Maybe I'm too unforgiving, and too hard on the people I know. I guess I am. I don't think I want to get into that right now. It sucks, and I don't want to selfexamine it right now. I think it is kind of compounded this summer: I have no close people besides family and one friend that sometimes I just intesnely dislike for various reasons, I can't overcome that fear to work with animals, I'm a junior in college this fall and I still have no real direction on life. I want to make a difference in life, but I feel like such a nobody. It brings me back to a lecture in Philosophy 103. No one really makes a difference in life. That's a downer to hear if there ever was one.

I daydream all the time. I put myself in imaginable, often terrible situations to make myself seem important, like I'm making a difference, or I have something important happeneing to me, even though I know in real life it would suck so bad. I feel like I need to escape from me now, the me who is going no where. I also want to be rescued. Is it so stupid to want to believe in that white knight that sweeps me off my feet and saves me? I should want to save myself, and that's there. But saving myself does not really feature hot guys in the day dream. :) I feel like a loser that I sit and do this, even though I know others do it too. I think I want to prove my character in most of these dreams, since I can't seem to do it in real life. Part of why I dislike myself so much.

This book hit it off with me (to bring it back to the book finally) because it was similar to my school experience. My life was certainly not that bad (and I live a great life now), but some of those experiences were there. Being picked on for being overweight or chunky, being picked on in the bathroom (and I had nowhere near her problems), being picked on by that stupid person in middle school that was always next to me in the locker lineup due to last names that obviously made enough of an impact that I still recall her today. I hate feeling unwelcome and unwanted, especially after I had friends in elementary: I was popular in elementary. :( Although I'm sure I'd hate myself as a little kid now. I was stupid, in my acts and such. I wasn't as strong of character as the author of this book was, and I really wish I had been. Anyways, this book resonated with me. And this experiences made me me today: I hate public speaking, I have few to no friends, and I have issues. Yet I can't overcome it like the author has. I want to, I'm inspired to now. But I think I might be too engrained to come out of this character. Bummer.

All I can think of as I write this is that I'll get somebody telling me that I'm just having a pity party. Am I? I think in part I am. But, I'm also revealing the sadness of my life. And that's not a pity party.

I don't know. I've become a bit depressed and I've lost direction with this blog. I've forgotten the initial thoughts, like I always do. But I feel this has helped.

All I can think of while attending college is that it will be different from high school. In part it is, because I can recede as much as I want and have no daily interaction that damages the mind. But I'm also not getting any healthy interaction. I feel like I'm getting nothing at college, which is a little better than pain, but still lonely. But I still want to fit in, still have friends and know people and be known. Maybe I will. I envy my little sister so much because she has friends and popularity in her own group, and all the things I wanted but never really had. I'm better friends with some of her friends (okay, at this point now that everyone has drifted, one) than most people I know. Yet, I think things are a little different for her, even at only a few years difference between us: 21 vs. 16. Cliques aren't as strong and there's not as much pressure for her being different because her different is in. But what do I know? I didn't attend her school years. She probably had problems too. But it seems like people are a bit more understanding of victims today than they were with my time. Yet, with understanding in some areas comes an increased misunderstanding in others. Give and take. She has friends though. That's a biggy.

That's a huge problem with me: envying my sister. We have a good relaitonship together, but I still envy her. I hate that. Now it's in the open. Oh well. The irony of it is she looks up to me in some ways. That makes me feel nice.

I think I'm done now. I'm ready to veg on something else, like romance books or other blogs or a movie. I just needed to let out that inspiration to share that I got from reading that book. I feel better about it. I feel like I can take some of my problems on. I know this was a disjointed blog, but I'm not even going to spell check it. I'm done. It's set aside for good.

Have a good night, everyone.

Finals Suck

Amen. Projects can be lumped in with that heading too.

My glasses broke. Ugh...

Hehehehe

I finally thought of a scene I would like to do. Of course, it doesn't really fit into the current chapter very well. I shall work it in there! Never fear, things shall happen. I promise. I was just so excited that I had thought of something that I had to post a measely little post.

Also, my garbage disposal is dead and my sink is clogged. If it is not one thing, it is another. I'm hoping, since I'm trying to make this a happy event like the meditation book says to, that this is fate's way of having a cute plumber come to my door. I wish.

BK
:)

Randomness

This post isn't going to be about writing. At least, not really. So, for most of you who don't care, (a pause to smile :) ), feel free and skip this.

I got my laptop back. After not having it for so long, things feel so different. I still don't have all the settings back to normal. I have a lot of older programs, since updates didn't get installed with them. I have no idea why. Probably because I have an older operating system? I've had this sucker for a couple of years now. I need to get a new battery, but damn if we haven't seemed to have fixed all the problems. Bliss. No, Bliss! With an exclamation point. The keyboard feels weird, but I think that's just a factor of having had to use desktop computers with their bulky, blocky keyboards that clack like no other. It feels so silent and smooth! And, once more, finally, I can press lightly to get a key to tap. When I was on a desktop, I kept having to backup and put in letters that I had missed since I'm so used to barely hitting a key to get it to work. Nice. And the keyboard is smaller. My hands don't have to stretch as far. Also nice. I love you, my dear little once-screwed up laptop. :) Another smile of bliss.

I'm in a steller mood for two reasons. Today feels like one of those days where I'm caught up, and all my problems are going to be fixed. I love these days. Makes the world seem right. I think I'm also in a steller mood since I've been reading the Idiots Guide to Short Meditation. I did a couple of the exercices while reading the book, and I just felt relaxed afterwards. I know, I know, it's probably going in expecting to feel better that made me feel better versus the exercises (or at least that's the disputed point I imagine everyone stating as they read this, since we know everyone talks to their computers like I do). But, who cares? I feel better. True, I didn't necessarily start reading it in a bad mood, either. But, I'm in a better mood. Woot!

Another wonderful point of the book was that I decided to start writing down my random ideas for stories that I get into my head. That one wasn't explicitly written down in the book, but I thought of something while I was reading, completely irelevant to the topic, and I got up and grabbed my notebook and just wrote them as they came. They were all rather humorous points that I get in my head all the time that I always think would be great short stories or something and always inevitbaly end up forgetting. My memory kind of sucks, and I think it is because I put little stock in actually remembering anything. Anyways, I have like four now, and they all made me laugh. One day, since I know I don't have time now, I'll have to write them. The irony is that I really, really want to just write right now. But, I have some stuff I need to catch up on tonight, so no. I'll have to refrain just a little. The blog I've been meaning to catch up, and I find it therapeutic, so write it I shall. I need to work on time management, yes I do. So, tonight, I've got priorities, and writting isn't one of them. Which I know is not the ideal for all of us who want to be a professional writer, but what the hell. I've got my priorities and feel no guilt, which is a lovely feeling. In the end, I do only answer to myself. The point being, anyways, is that I'm making the attempt to write the random ideas that flit into my head down. Someday, they shall become something. :) Another happy smile. These little smiles are for me as much as the readers.

I'm pretty sure I came into this with more points to write down, but they are gone now. I would have liked to do a post on mercury poisoning from sharks on another blog, but that would take much more time than I have to give write now, so no on that one as well.

Ultimatum shall come. No creative writing at all yet, today, though. I don't know what to do about Ultimatum. I am bound and determined to finish the sucker though. I will. I want to. That is my motivation. To finally have finished something of that size and magnitude. Ignoring, of course, that a load would get chopped in a rewrite. I also imagine to make myself feel better while thinking of that load that another seperate much better load gets added during the rewrite. Layering is so much more fun and easy during a rewrite. It's kind of hard when you have no idea where to go, though. :) I would like all of you who read Ultimatum to keep in mind that this is the first draft. That should speak for itself. :) First draft. Blech. Yet, smile. :)

Points of writing today: write all your little random thoughts down, because one day you shall use them. Also, revising will make everything better. Just get it written the first time. :) This little bit actually makes me feel like the blog title is worth it. I think I would love to change this blog title. :) Yes I would.

Aha

I jsut remembered that entirely insignificant post I wanted to originally write!

I got another review on First Crush! The reviews are kind of low on this one. Does that mean it wasn't as good? My style has changed? It sucked? What does it all mean? I hate worrying about stuff like that. But seriously, if fewer people are looking at it, that counts as a bad sign. Ugh again.

See, now aren't you all glad I remember just what I wanted to post in the first place?

Cheers.

BK

Randomness

I certainly haven't gotten around to writing, or even reading Ultimatum. Bit hard having no computer. Hadn't realized how dependent I'd become. Really sad. Really, really sad. I'm become that much further entrenched in the technical world. But, change is change and can't be avoided. My computer is sort of up and running, but I still don't have it and won't have it until hopefully Monday. I'm crossing my fingers. Don't expect much this weekend. You know, I had a point getting on here but now I cna't remember what it was. Damn. I had something remotely pertinent that I wanted to say! What a pain in the butt. I hate when this happens, and sitting here and writing allt his hasn't helped at all. I still can't remember. Well, I guess if I get there, then I'll come back on and post.

Useless point, I kind of wnat to change the name. I'm all about change right now. But, it would kind of be a pain to change the link. But again, since no one really reads this, I'll probably go ahead with it.

Does anyone else out there ever feel like procrasitnating writing? How do you get out of it? How do you get out legitmate procrastination? Like with work, homework, cleaning - good stuff, as the excuse? I find if I can legitimately fill my time that I don't feel guilty not having written. I know that allt he auhtors always talk about having to have the fortitude to put aside time against all odds, but damn. That is my biggest problem in life right now. What does that say about my life that that is the biggest problem? God, sheltered... Sometimes I just hate myself. Ugh. I'll end it on that note. Enjoy.

BK

Computers

So, I needed a new harddrive and we have top reinstall my operating system. My computer has gone loco. My Dell tech guy thinks he can get my files though. That would be nice. Like, really nice. I need my notes. Bah.

I might be writing something this weekend, but really, Easter and my Grandma's birthday and work and trying to catch up on computer homework for this week and the next. I would think no. Just no. Damn.